If in fact there is something to be gained from pain, then why is it so hard to face it and embrace it?
Emotional pain does not last forever if you are willing to release and let it go.
People of like mind can still be very different.
Do not live by comparisons. We are created as individuals being vastly diverse. There is no other one just like us, not even a twin.
Interacting with human beings is much like,
Walking by an apple tree and stopping to admire its fruit.
The mind begins to flood with anticipation,
Flipping through a menagerie of compartmentalized possibilities.
An apple is gently plucked from the tree.
Dust and debris of leaves and stem are discarded.
A bite is taken,
Only to reveal the apple is hollow.
Repost from my blog: Eating My Pain
Prayer is an intricate part of my healing journey. One of the many things I’ve prayed for is the ability to see myself through my own eyes…not the eyes of my parents.
It took some time before I realized that I did not know myself or see myself as I ought to. I only saw what my parents taught me to see. I saw a life not worth living beyond the service I provided. I put all others before myself, fulfilling their needs…my sole priority. I saw ability that would never be recognized and a thirst that would never be quenched. Deprivation was my reward and pain my only inheritance.
It’s also very difficult to see yourself when you are not allowed to make even the most simple decisions for yourself. Hair was one of those things that seemed to be more of an issue than need be.
I used to sit in front of my mirror every evening and cry. My hair was always the same. Two or three ponytails with huge ribbons or bows that matched my outfit. This is how I looked everyday. I hated it and I hated my mother for making me look like this.
When I closed my eyes I could see myself with very long hair, but the hair looked strange to me. It looked like braids but it wasn’t braided. I didn’t know what locks were and had no idea that was the hairstyle I envisioned. I would also see myself with huge hair, wild and curly…unruly. I loved seeing myself like that. Then I’d open my eyes again to see what was still my reality and I retreated further into myself.
One day, I asked my mom if I could wear my hair braided. Absolutely not, she said. I asked, why? Mom turned to me as if to give a life lesson. She said, wearing your hair natural will only make you look ignorant. You must straighten your hair so people will think of you as intelligent. My heart sank and so did my head as I slowly walked back to my room to sit in front of my mirror and cry. I’ve never forgotten her words.
It would not be until I was in my mid 30s that I would be able to stand up to my mother and tell her how I wanted to wear my hair. I guess you may be wondering why it took so long for me to do this. All I can say is if you have to ask then you don’t know what it is to have controlling parents. You can’t begin to fathom what it is to be under such tight control and scrutiny. Every independent decision outside of what my parents wanted was made with great trembling and sacrifice. My parents did not take disobedience kindly and any act of disobedience was met with intense cruelty and degradation…no matter my age.
Finally, I broke free from one of the chains that bound me. I cut off all the permed hair and I wore my hair braided for a few years. A week before my 40th birthday I felt a strong urge to begin twisting my hair. I always knew I was going to lock my hair one day, but wasn’t sure when. The day had come and I gave into the call. I wore my hair locked for 9 years. I loved my hair. The first time I looked in the mirror and saw my locks in their full light I knew I had finally seen the vision of myself that I saw so many years ago. For once, I stood in front of my mirror and smiled.
During the ninth year of my locks a terrible thing happened. My eczema took a turn for the worse spreading over most of my body including my scalp. Having no insurance at the time, I fought with all I had to remedy my skin, paying cash for doctor appointments to get prescriptions for topical ointments. I also used tea tree oil and soap (natural anti-fungal), a probiotic and diphenhydramine to help with itching. There was little I could do to save my hair. My skin is much better, but my hair was lost. Locks fell daily, one sometimes two at a time. There was nothing I could do to save them. Each fallen lock was mourned and put away.
It’s been about a year since loosing the first lock. I stood in front of my mirror looking at the few remaining locks and thought to myself…why are you hiding? I’ve spent the last year trying to hold on to something that cannot stay. All I could see was massive loss. My identity…my beauty…my independence…my strength and everything else my locks represented was gone. I’ve been stripped. There’s no where else to hide.
About a month ago I cut off my remaining locks and placed them in a bag where all fallen locks are kept. I stood there squeezing the bag close to my chest, making peace with my decision. It is time for me to face myself. This time in my most natural state. My prayers were being answered, though I had not realized it yet.
I Am As I Am
One more look in the mirror.
There I stand.
Hair shorter than ever.
I began to cry,
Only this time it wasn’t tears of sadness,
But tears of joy and relief.
I am free, I said.
No more hiding.
I no longer need my locks to be my identity.
Nor do I need my locks to be,
My strength, my beauty,
Or proclamation of indoctrination of my mind and spirit.
I am just as I am,
And ought to be.
For the first time I see me.
I am budding and soon will be in full bloom.
My inner light fills the room.
I lean forward taking a closer look.
I am just as I am,
As I ought to be.
And I’m loving everything I see.
For the first time,
With my own eyes,
I can see me.
Never try to help the liar that claims they need your help. The truth always rises to smacks you when you do.
There are times when I feel strong.
There are times when failure is my only companion.
No matter what life throws my way I will continue to fight the good fight.
DON’T GIVE UP!
I’ve gotta admit that I was one who felt personally responsible for educating people, in my community mostly, about autism. However, my attempts to education were not always well received. I’d given some thought to the process, but was not able to put it into words as it had been done here. The words and reasoning in this repost have given me new life and understanding in how I have felt betrayed by my efforts in some ways and ostracized in others. Thank you, Seventhvoice for putting into words what I could not.
Many within the Autism community seem to feel that we have a duty to help educate ‘professionals’ by exposing our own personal experiences of Autism to them with in Autism specific forums.
Personally I’m not at all sure that I agree with this premise, as it all too often holds the potential to place those of us with Autism, in the unenviable positions of feeling over exposed.
Which for many, can also amount to making us feel vulnerable.
The belief that it’s up to any one particular minority group to educate the wider community in order to create the understanding that they have the right to be treated as equals, is an issue that many other minority groups have faced.
And just like those within the Autism Community, many other minority groups have also had to cut their teeth on the harsh reality that not everyone who’s interested in you…
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In the still of morning,
I can hear my spirit quake,
Under the pressures placed upon me.
The weight of which is great.
I reach out to you,
Seeking your face.
My hair continues to fall,
As a rash spreads over my face.
Father God, please hear my voice
I need your saving grace.
I begin to tremble.
As I walk to my favorite chair,
There is where I sit and pray,
Hoping to hear your voice today.
There is where I expose all my cares,
While giving You thanks and praise.
Father God, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom Come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven…
I Thank God,
For breathing life into the lifeless,
Giving strength to the weak,
Instilling courage in the fearful,
And empowering to the meek.
I continue to tremble as I pray,
Giving thought to the needs of THIS day.
Please God, help me not to feel this way.
This is the reason I’ve come to you to today.
Please forgive me for what I am about to say,
But my heart grows heavier with each day,
As I seek refuge from the storm,
Of things thought to be long gone,
Past transgressions, pain, and long sufferings.
The only things I have as an offering.
In Jesus’ name, I give thanks to You,
For all that has been given,
Though it seems that some of what has been given,
Is in grave danger of ending.
I hold on to hope as one door is closing,
That another shall open graciously exposing,
A new day.
I know you’ve been with me,
You’ve never left my side.
Even when I turned my back to you,
Declaring that I wanted to die.
You would not let me die.
You promised that you’d take care of me.
In this I truly believe,
But Father God how much must I take?
How long will my heart have to bleed?
So I sit here before You,
I cannot hide,
Asking your forgiveness,
And shedding all pride.
I’m still learning to trust you,
I do not deny,
But, I grow ever more weary,
Teary eyed and tired.
I watch that which has been given,
I’m powerless to do anything without your say.
Please Father God, I need you today!
Not just today…but everyday.
Then I lift my eyes to heaven,
Thanking God again for this day.
Acknowledging His goodness,
In every possible way.
Just when I think that I’ve said all I can say,
A few more words start to gave way,
Thanking God again and again for everything given,
The great, the small, the house that we live in.
I Thank you Father God,
Giver of love, mercy and grace.
I Thank you Father,
For the smile on my face.
For being able to watch my son grow up,
For being his mom and loving him so much.
I am grateful for all that is coming,
peace, joy, prosperity, even long suffering.
I am grateful,
For all that has made me humble.
For you teaching me patience,
And catching me when I stumble.
I come filled with thanksgiving for many things.
Things that I have…Things that I hope for…Things yet to be.
I thank you for almost all that I see.
I thank you Father God for living and loving,
Even for showing me how to repair the oven.
Today was not too different for me.
My son arose at 6am and he,
Put’s on a movie playing it very loud.
Not just any loud,
But playing the same section over and over again loud.
Darn that AB button.
He bursts into my room,
Giving me a huge kiss on the cheek,
Before grinning and spinning on tippy toes,
While reciting repeating lines.
It’s going to be a happy flappy day.
I got up a little later,
Said my prayers and made breakfast.
I’ve quite enjoyed taking this little break.
Most of my days filled with following up on correspondence,
Debugging the front porch and then blogging about it,
All while enjoying a cup of hot tea.
I’m sitting in front of my computer,
Thinking of what to say.
Does it matter?
Will anyone read it anyway?
Aww, in comes my little dog Ginger wanting to play.
Oh look, she brought two friends,
That I’ll spend hours swatting away.
Stressing, stressing, stressing, stressing,
I’m so tired of stressing today.
Another sip of my lukewarm tea takes all the worry away.
What is that I hear?
Could it be,
The microwave’s buzzer in my ear?
My son’s just made lunch.
How much time has gone by?
As I still sit here glaring at my screen,
Losing the will to try.
Does anyone really care,
About the words I struggle to say?
I think I might give up on it and try another day.
No…no I won’t! I’m going to write a little something today.
So here it is, my lament as you see.
I rejoice spinning and grinning with glee,
Feel like singing from the trees,
That I so cleverly wrote this post with ease,
All while taking another sip of my ice cold tea.