My struggle with Night Eating continues. I’m still not able to wrap my mind around writing about it. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for me. A few years ago, I created my first blog. It’s not fairing well. There’s been quite a few hits, but that’s because of the name, not the content. I revisited that blog on several occasions, deciding not to determine what the blog would be. Instead I will write and allow the blog to show me. I still can’t see. Perhaps, I’m blind to it. Thoughts still adrift the top of leaves on my dysfunctional family tree.
How can I suffer with something for so long, but can’t manage to write about it. My mind is tired and I am at a loss for words. Brain throbbing, filled with thoughts that cannot be purged. Perhaps I am plagued with the need for perfection which is something I will never achieve. Curse my parents for beating this need into me. I am enslaved to it and choked by it. With all that I am I vow to find a way. If nothing other than to write my disjointed ramblings.
As a ploy to rekindle my thirst for writing, I read my bio hoping to find something viable. Something that I can resuscitate. But there is nothing. Nothing but benign words depicting an empty space where my spirit is supposed to dwell. Still nothing there.
I try to think of clever titles for my ramblings. Can’t even do that right. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. After all, I think that I am feeding off of something tangible. Truth be known there is nothing to feed off of. My life is but a misty, dusty space filled with dark shadowy figures and the ever present stench of fear.
It’s 4:03pm. I’ve forgotten to eat again. The pattern is re-emerging. I’ll eat a little something now, as my mind cruises through the kitchen cabinets, pantry, refrigerator and freezer. Oh, wait…I have chips. Deep inside I know that I am headed to a bad place. A very dark place. Moving into action as the planning begins. Systematically pairing starches by texture and taste. If I’m not careful I will binge tonight.
I’ll need to go out in a little while. Must be careful not to pass by any fast food places. I’m not strong enough to dry by without a taste. I’ll go directly to my destination and back home. My hope is to cook a nutritious meal and set aside a snack for later. I hope I will be strong enough…
Last night I ate a large bag of chips. I hope not to do the same tonight.
It’s time for the animals to begin their feed.
We sniff and scratch for signs we need.
Look over there.
Do you see what I see?
The scavenge begins.
Like worker ants we will collect our swell.
We will feast through the night and all will be well.