Archive | February 2014

Wake of Honesty

In the wake of my honesty,

I am afloat.

Blocking external noise,

Hearing only the internal.

I am changing.

My voice is changing.

I don’t fully understand it,

But embrace it.

I am alone.

 

In the wake of my honesty,

Surges rush through my veins.

Light fills me.

Could it be illusive freedom?

I sit down to my computer.

And I write.

It doesn’t sound like me.

 

In the Wake of my honesty,

Shadows become clear.

Thoughts blocked by past transgressions reappear.

Venomous words,

Hateful stares,

Beatings,

Silence.

 

In the wake of my honesty,

Truths are revealed.

Heavy,

Painful,

Awful truths.

They introduce themselves one by one.

Forced to face them.

Time once lost returned home.

Filling the gaps of my youth.

 

In the Wake of my honesty

Strength renewed

Uncovered,

Rediscovered.

Risen from the ash.

Great strides made,

More ground gained.

Freedom still light years away.

The Feed

My struggle with Night Eating continues. I’m still not able to wrap my mind around writing about it. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for me. A few years ago, I created my first blog. It’s not fairing well. There’s been quite a few hits, but that’s because of the name, not the content. I revisited that blog on several occasions, deciding not to determine what the blog would be. Instead I will write and allow the blog to show me. I still can’t see. Perhaps, I’m blind to it. Thoughts still adrift the top of leaves on my dysfunctional family tree.

How can I suffer with something for so long, but can’t manage to write about it. My mind is tired and I am at a loss for words. Brain throbbing, filled with thoughts that cannot be purged. Perhaps I am plagued with the need for perfection which is something I will never achieve. Curse my parents for beating this need into me. I am enslaved to it and choked by it. With all that I am I vow to find a way. If nothing other than to write my disjointed ramblings.

As a ploy to rekindle my thirst for writing, I read my bio hoping to find something viable. Something that I can resuscitate. But there is nothing. Nothing but benign words depicting an empty space where my spirit is supposed to dwell. Still nothing there.

I try to think of clever titles for my ramblings. Can’t even do that right. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. After all, I think that I am feeding off of something tangible. Truth be known there is nothing to feed off of. My life is but a misty, dusty space filled with dark shadowy figures and the ever present stench of fear.

It’s 4:03pm. I’ve forgotten to eat again. The pattern is re-emerging. I’ll eat a little something now, as my mind cruises through the kitchen cabinets, pantry, refrigerator and freezer. Oh, wait…I have chips. Deep inside I know that I am headed to a bad place. A very dark place. Moving into action as the planning begins. Systematically pairing starches by texture and taste. If I’m not careful I will binge tonight.

I’ll need to go out in a little while. Must be careful not to pass by any fast food places. I’m not strong enough to dry by without a taste. I’ll go directly to my destination and back home. My hope is to cook a nutritious meal and set aside a snack for later. I hope I will be strong enough…

Last night I ate a large bag of chips. I hope not to do the same tonight.

 It’s time for the animals to begin their feed.

We sniff and scratch for signs we need.

Look over there.

Do you see what I see?

The scavenge begins.

Like worker ants we will collect our swell.

We will feast through the night and all will be well.

I Don’t Care

I don’t care that you won’t return my calls.

I don’t care that our friendship is over.

I don’t care that you act as if you don’t know me anymore.

I don’t care if it bothers you that I am autistic.

I don’t care!

I don’t care that you question who I am now that you know my secret.

I don’t care that you question your inability to see me all these years.

I don’t care that I somehow found the courage to tell you and you did not receive my words well.

I don’t care that you have no compassion for me.

I don’t care!

I don’t care that most of my family shuns me. They were never there for me anyway.

I don’t care that the illusion you stew in is bitter to the taste.

I don’t care that you blame me for all that has happened to me.

I don’t care that you think I’m stupid, incapable and slow even though I am smart. You don’t know me.

I don’t care!

I don’t care that you’d rather point your finger and stare at me, rather than have a conversation with me.

I don’t care that I am an embarrassment to you.

I don’t care that you can’t understand why I don’t care about fashion.

I don’t care that I’m not interested in “normal” things like you.

I don’t care!

 

But I do care that I am a great mom to my autistic son.

I do care that there are those who see me as trustworthy and innocent.

I do care that I have feelings and empathy, more than most.

I do care about how I see myself.

I love me and I love my son.

I love you even though you don’t love me.

I care that you are closed minded, because it hurts you.

I care that you are judgmental because you miss out on knowing wonderful people.

I care that the one’s you call friend are not loyal to you like I was. They judge you harshly like you judge me.

I do care for all of you more than you will ever know. You will never know because you don’t think I’m able, but I am.

I will care for you and all of your flaws because I know what it is to be flawed.

I will cry for you because you do not know true happiness, peace or freedom, like I do.

I will pray for you that your heart beats with love and not hate for that which you do not understand.

I have hope for you that one day you will understand and be a better human being for it.

I still don’t care what you think of me. I am who I am and I make no apologies for it. I will never hurt you like you hurt me. That is the biggest difference between YOU and me.

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